tonight i cut
i'm done
i'm so done with myself
hate myself
hate myself
hate myself
really really want to die
can't do anything correctly
i'm the fucking worst
everyone has so much pity
they're all always so disappointed
like
they don't even expect much from me
and i still fucking suck
i suck so bad
i'm such an inconvenience
it's just so fucking cliche
people really do better when i'm not here
when i'm not around
i'm a failure that just drag them down
i can't get better
i've fallen too much
how is this supposed to get better
can't fucking live like this
can't continue being a failure
make everything worse
where am i gonna go
what am i gonna do
should just fucking die
my chances of survival are literally none
can't fucking function
why did i even believe in myself
for just a second
thought i could do it
thought i was capable
just want to cry
and curl up into a miserable pathetic ball
i'm having a panic attack
i'm not sure
i'm not crying
i'm not hyperventilating
but i feel like im going to explode
or maybe implode
like there is a fucking void of anxiety
sucking me into nothing
it's in my stomach
in my throat
in my ribcage
how am i so dumb
i'm not even talking about academic dumb
like i'm a full on idiot
who doesn't know anything
about how the world works
how to function in society
how to meet expectations
how am i going to achieve anything
now that i can't just hide behind grades
i've got nothing
it's always been like that
was only good because i had good grades
but apart from that
have nothing to give
and so people don't need me
and don't need to take care of me
and don't need to help me
should only have myself
but i'll never help myself
don't deserve it
fuck
should die
should just die
like
that's so much easier
literally would solve everything
so why am i not dead yet
why am i keeping myself alive
why do i still have hope
and hope for what exactly?
why am i keeping myself alive
don't get it
don't want this survival instinct shit
i'm gonna cut
i'll feel better
well
actually that's funny
of course i won't feel better
i'm dumb
but i'm not that dumb
want to feel even worse maybe
i'm tired of being angry at others
for no reason
just because
can't keep being angry at myself
i'm too tired
to take all of it alone
and so i'm sorry
if i make you take some of it
hate it so much
always hated people with anger issues
but i'm exactly the same
i'm worse
i hate behind closed door
i hate behind your back
when you're not looking
when you can't defend yourself
and tell me how bullshit that is
i'm a joke
people should remind me
they're too nice
don't want them to be mean
because i'm scared
and fragile
and egocentric
but it's what i objectively deserve
for people to resent me
and it's only a matter of time
don't care anymore
don't care anymore