fuck you
fuck this
fuck all of this
want to disappear
right now
not having to have a single thought again
bored as fuck
tired
want to let go
i'm so tired
of trying
and it's so little
and i'm shit
and i deserve to feel this miserable
because i can't seem to do anything against it
can't get better
i just can't
that's how it is
don't deserve to feel good
if i don't put in enough effort
maybe
if i could stop
just for a second
being the worst pessimistic asshole
maybe i'd at least appreciate
the things i already have
and what the fuck is up
with this damn stomach
what is wrong with me
i'm so fucking tired of myself
it's only logical that everyone else is too
don't want to start again
i can't
can't go back
i'm absolutely terrified
terrified of having to go
and terrified of the outcome if i don't go
can't go through this again
i know that's what life is about
working
supporting yourself financially and socially
and i know i'm a lazy shit
but i don't want that
i don't care
i'd honestly rather die
than go back
why can't this stomach
fucking empty itself already
fuck you
fuck you fuck you fuck you
i'm fucking dying
but i'm so bad at it
i'm a joke
i would be laughing if i were them
i'm a joke
who can't even correctly self destruct
can't purge
can't cut
can't starve
that's the most shameful one
used to be so good at it
so so good
used to go days without wanting anything
now i binge the second i'm left alone
i'm disgusting
this is disgusting
i'm wasting food and money
to feel even worse in the end
it's pathetic to rely this way on food
it's pathetic to be this introverted
and afraid or simply uninterested in others
it's pathetic to be this dependent
on my parents
the occasional friend
that hasn't abandoned me yet
even if that list is getting pretty small
don't want to see anyone
don't want to do anything
just want to eat and die
i'm buying that stuff as a distraction
know it
i'm so dumb
and why the fuck
is two lax not doing the job anymore?
why the fuck
am i still bloated
this
this kind of journal i'm writing
this is the ugly side
this is the disgust
and the anger
it's not just the cute and innocent sadness
it's the perverted and shitty thoughts
that i'm ashamed of
but i acknowledged them
know i'm a bad person
that's what makes me bad and ugly
and unattractive and boring
and not worthy of love and time
it's the self loathing
this isn't edgy or deep
or whatever tumblr shit
this is a joke
and it's a bad one at that
no laughing
no snickering
no chuckle
fuck this
i hate myself
i really fucking do
fuck
probably gonna go binge on that
cause i have zero self control
fuck me
really am my biggest enemy