i suck
there are more and more times
when i know i could be better
do better
feel better even maybe
and i give up straight away
like i don't care
like it doesn't even matter
and as to not feel too guilty
i tell myself
"you're not ok so you don't have to try"
these are just excuses
i don't want to make any effort
and i hide behind my mental state
and i end up never doing anything
because i never feel good
and so i never get better
and so on
"why does it matter"
this is way more comfortable
i've become used to being miserable
i almost like it
maybe like is a big word
but i definitely prefer it
to actually trying to get better
i don't want to get better
i wouldn't know what to do
if i got better
i wouldn't even know who i am
what i am made of
i wouldn't be me
this is me now
that's the only thing left
i can't get better
what would i do
what would i feel
at least now
sometimes
i can fill the void with sadness
or anger and disgust
but these are the only things i know
what else could fill the void