want to die
want to die
want to die
slowly
want to feel it but not too much
scared of hurting
already hurt enough
or do i?
want to hurt
a bit
want to throw up everything
throw up the guilt
feel even more empty
not feel my body anymore
it's too heavy or too cold
it's always hungry
but i can't eat
they're disappointed in me
they don't want to be but they are
they think it's my fault
or that i can change it
that if i just made the effort
i could be ok
that i'm a very lazy person
i expect too much
i don't want to understand how life works
if i was honest they would hate me
i don't deserve their help
i'm tired
don't want to be here
do i really want anything?
i guess
but would it be ok
it doesn't really matter
i'm writing too much
want it to be short
brute
want to cut
or pierce
but im a crybaby
feel like im a constant copycat
do i even exist
as a person
or did others make me
want to cut
but don't want others to see
maybe inside of thighs
or belly
but how
want people to give up on me
i'm gross
disgusting
why did i agree
don't care anymore
but im still scared of everything
don't want them to feel bad
like its their fault
like they are not enough for me to be ok
maybe they aren't
but that's just my problem
shouldn't expect
they don't owe me anything
want to go home
want to sleep forever
shouldn't be here
exhausted
faking it
want to die
badly
but not enough
it feels ephemeral
nothing lasts
i feel bad when i feel good
shouldn't happen
they won't believe it if i do
need to hide
everything
want to stop caring
is it even in my brain or am i just like that
feel useless
not doing anything
why are they keeping me around
i make them upset
want to be alone
but don't leave me
please
should i beg
why am i so difficult
want them to understand
but im nothing special
anxious
want what i can't have
it just doesn't work like that
feel weak
unable to achieve anything
unable to work
to survive