oh
great
i know i should be glad
but fucking hell
i just want to be alone
and i especially don't want to hear you
talking about how you can't eat anything
cause you don't want to eat carbs
cause you're too "heavy"
when i'm literally twice your size
what the fuck am i supposed to do
i get it now
i think i finally get it
there's no other way
makes sense
why so many anorexics kill themselves
it's not something you can live with
am i just too lazy?
i feel like i can't keep up
with the thoughts
my body doesn't keep up
i can't make it keep up
maybe it's my fault
but even if i could do better
i don't want to spend a whole life
devoting every single second
to being thinner
it's painful
and it's not worth it
and it's not like i can change my mind
it's thoughts and self hatred
it's either live with it my whole life
hating myself
every time i catch a glimpse of myself
every time i realize how much space i take
every time i eat something
every time i get dressed
every time i shower
every time i workout
every time i see other people
every time people see me
or i could just die right now
and never have to hate myself anymore
i knew this would happen
it always does
it always fucking does
i always end up fucking it up
i just have no self control
no fucking willpower
it's embarrassing
now stop
please
i feel so dumb
so dumb when i tell myself this time
this time'll be different
it never is
because i'm shit