i'm so scared of going back
what if i fall back
what if i fall back
what if nothing changed
nothing has changed
i don't think so
i just don't think about it
but can i really function like this?
ignoring what's wrong
is that how i'm supposed to live
is this what i end up with
i know it's just another break
i know it will all be the same
i'm scared
i'd never want to go back
but i miss them
in a sense i miss the despair
it's so weird to feel a bit better
i almost don't want to write it
"feeling a bit better"
don't get your hopes up
this is gonna come crashing down any moment
it's just a break
it won't last
it's not sustainable
i don't know what to do
this is too complicated for me
it was much more simple when i was lower
i was just sad
desperate
didn't have to do things
live a daily life
it was just survival
this is more complicated
living
but not fully
i don't want people to know
that i'm doing a bit better these days
what if they get their hopes up
how will they feel when i crash back down
it was easier when i was a desperate case
i don't like this weird hope rollercoster
it's begging to fail
to disappoint everyone once again
maybe people are actually forgetting about me
i mean
i kinda disappeared
i know i didn't made much efforts
to keep contact
but almost no one actually keeps up with me
they don't miss me
they don't really need me at all
nothing's changed with me gone
i'm already almost non existent when i'm there
makes sense
i'm so fucking tiring
don't even know what i want
don't want to exist
want to be wanted to exist
and actually
even when feeling a bit better
if i just stop for a second
and contemplate
suicide still appears like the easiest future
it's still more reliable
than a fluctuating feeling of being better
it's still easier
whether i'm doing really bad or not
that's what goes through my head
every time i stop for just a second
and diverge from the illusion
of my temporary situation