everything feels horrible
i'm so irritated
i feel like i could snap any moment
i hate everyone
they're all a bother
they don't care
they all have other things to think about
i'm pissed off
it's like
i expect so much of everyone
don't be in my way
don't ask me for the hardest drink to make
don't make my job harder
i mean it's my job
it's literally my job
i can't complain
that's what the job is
and still
i liked it so much two weeks ago
and now i feel like i'm dying
every time i'm behind the bar
i'm angry
and stressed
and exhausted
and no one cares
and maybe they'll put everything
on the fact that i don't have my meds
maybe it makes me even worse
i don't know
but honestly
i already felt like shit with the meds
i don't want to get up everyday
and do some dumb job
that no one appreciates anymore
where i have to work with someone else
sure he's helping me
but just like everyone else
he gets me so irritated
being always positive
and happy
and motivated
and sociable
he's better than me
maybe i'm just jealous
i mean
it's probably been more than two weeks
since i had some time with them
i know it's because they have a lot to do
a lot of work
and a lot of people to handle
and they don't have time for me
i get it
but then what am i supposed to do
like sure
i'll stay by myself
in my room
what else should i do
fuck
at least i'm losing weight
i'm finally losing weight
it may be the only thing keeping me going
it sounds bad i know
but like
if people think i'm relapsing
fuck them
i've never actually been better
i've always been disordered
i didn't recover from shit
can't relapse from something
that i didn't recover from
and i think no one is noticing
or maybe they just don't really care
good for me i guess
even though i would like my weight loss
to be noticeable you know
but with this weight loss
also comes the fear of gaining the weight back
i'm slowly getting back into this paradox
of being even more afraid
the more weight i lose
cause in the end i know it's not sustainable
i know it requires constant efforts
to maintain this weight
thankfully i'm not that hungry
these last few days
but what if it comes back
i'm scared of that
fuck you
fuck all of you
i don't want to talk to you
i'm just here to eat
and then go back to my room
i really wanted to cut during the shift
maybe i will when i get back in my room
but the impulse kind of left me
i'm sad
i'd like to cut
but sometimes it's too much work
i want the scars
i want the blood
i don't want the bandaids
and the cleaning up
and the itch
and the hiding it
and making sure it doesn't stain anything
i also really want to go back to this website
but i know i shouldn't
i know it's bad for me