wanted to blow my brains out so badly today
everything hurts
my body feels like it's going to give out
or break i don't know
it's too hot
it's hard to breathe
when we got back
i couldn't hold some tears back
i was just so exhausted
sure the weekend was exhausting
but it made me feel so tired about everything
about living
about doing what all those people do
live
meet people
have fun
get married
have responsibilities
seat in a car for six hours
eat
i'm just so fucking tired of it
my head felt awful
you know when you can feel your eyes?
yeah that
i could feel the pressure around them
felt like shit
the whole weekend
makes me realize i'm gonna end up alone
sometimes i wonder if i hate people
if there is something wrong with me
i love them but hate them
i do things for them
but i despise it
they make me tired
they make me feel so out of place
why am i so shitty
why can't i be like her
always optimistic
smiling
seeing the best in people
being interested by everything
always taking care of others
i'm so selfish
and a hypocrite
sometimes i realize i'm just like him
everything that i wish he'd change
i am too
i'm fighting the urge to cut
it's been a while since the urge was so strong
it's been a while since i cried
maybe i'm slipping back
into this weird state of apathy
want to cut and feel something
something other than all of this
don't want to see anyone