wow
fucking
unbelievable
i'm surprised i guess
i don't know what i expected
i guess not you telling me i don't have to eat
i know i'm not being clear
when i share with you
that i'm unsure if i should eat
and i guess maybe it's my way
to get outside approval
to get reassured
that it's ok for me to eat
i can't allow myself
i need someone else to give me permission
to make me get out of my head
and my anxiety and fear
when i manage to get the courage
to ask you about it
it's to get help
i can't even be mad at you
i know i'm being manipulative in some way
i'm setting you up for failure
if i was actually honest
i would straight up tell you
that i want you to tell me i can eat
i can't blame you
but i'm so disappointed
but if i tell you straight up
i feel like you're biased
like you're not being objective
or truthful
like you're being nice to me
i want you
to objectively think
that it's ok for me to eat
and mean it
not just because it's "what you should tell me"
i'm so tired of myself
and all these dumb thoughts
and dumb things i do
and expect of others
people aren't here to make it easier
they're just living their life
i need to take care of myself
but i don't want to
i only do it for others
honestly
if she doesn't care that i eat or not
if she can tell me "then don't eat"
then i can just starve again right?
until she cares again?
that's so fucked up
what is wrong with me
i can't keep people hostage
and force them to care
by making them feel obligated
or guilty if they don't
but again
if they don't care
then why should i care
i can just stop eating again
if that's what they want
if that's ok
i don't know
if people aren't doing anything
then i can just fuck everything up again
and let myself go
until either they care again
or i go down until i hopefully die