i'm surprised i didn't come back here sooner
the last few weeks have been harsh
i feel empty
and alone
and used
but i exist through being used
so at least i'm useful i guess
i've never been this close to relapsing
since my new streak
i feel so tempted
a little bit more
every time i break down
i wanna cut so bad
i feel it physically
i physically feel myself wanting to grab a razor
and push down into flesh
i also get these vivid images
of me stabbing my hand
or my thigh
or my arm
in a quick movement
it comes to my head
and i just feel myself doing it
it feels compulsive
i can almost feel the pain
but i'm disappointed when i realize it's not real
it didn't truly happen
it happens in half of a second
but i almost believe it
i can see the knife i would use
i can imagine the depth of the wound
i can feel the movement of my arm going down
anyway
i cried last friday
hard
it was just too much
i'm still so fragile
i'm just functional
i can keep it in longer again
and do things
and push it aside
and not think about it constantly
but when it breaks
then nothing makes sense
everything comes crashing down again
and it's so hard
to go back to turning my brain off
and just live i guess
it's a cycle
i'm surviving as best as i can
for a week or two
then i break down
panic
sob
want to relapse
and then i just put it back inside
and go around surviving for another week
i went back on the forum again
i was bored
it's kinda weird
i feel so outside of it
when i used to browse it religiously
everyday morning and evening
i would follow people's distress
i mean i almost never interacted
but i read people's story
and vents and everything
anyway
i'm okay i guess
i'm functional
that's all that matters
i mean not really
i still need to perform good
i need to constantly do my best
cause that's the only way i'm enough
i have a long shot to take
i wish i wasn't so alone though
i wish i could come home to someone…
but i have a hard time admitting it
and i have a hard time
giving someone a chance
who am i kidding
no one wants me
and i don't want no one
thanks inferior and superior complex combo
and i don't want anyone to see me
i mean i do
i desperately want someone to get me
to understand me
to like me as i am
but like
truly am
not the role i put on every single second
someone who i'm comfortable with
with who i can exist without effort
who i don't need to hide from
but i don't really believe in that person existing
i hope for them
but i'm so scared
and shut in
that i don't let anyone in
cause i don't believe them
or their intentions
i expect to be disappointed
or abandoned
i don't know
one of my therapist told me that's a problem
he's probably right
i'll probably end up alone
not cause nobody wants me
but because nobody wants me
like i want to be wanted
i think
i don't know