fuck
am i really 21
and only now experiencing "grief"?
and fear of death?
for another being?
why am i only living this now
do you think it's gonna change me?
and my way of thinking?
about life?
am i suddenly gonna become grateful
and scared to make my loved ones
go through that as well?
anyway
this ain't about me
it's about her
her and her pain
i could've done so much better
i mean
i know
it's not my fault
people are telling me it's not my fault
and i know it's true
i just wonder
if i could've done it better
and take better care of her
it's funny
she's not eating
she refuses everything
just like me at some point
i'm acting just like how everyone acted
when i didn't eat
i'm scared
and worried
and i want her to eat
anything
i'm spoon feeding her
buying all the things she likes the most
begging for her to eat something
to drink just a bit of water
and i don't want to force her
but i'm so worried
and so frustrated that i can't help
is that how my mom felt
can cats have anorexia nervosa?
yeah it's about a cat
it's so weird
it hurts so bad
and it's a cat
i mean
i know it's normal to feel for our cat
but it's not that really talked about?
i mean what am i supposed to say?
"oh i couldn't come today
cause my cat has a tumor?"
like
my friends are out there
having their parents getting divorced
being broken up with their boyfriends
losing human people around them
i know it's right to feel what i feel
i just feel so alone
because
it's just one more thing
that i can't cope with
i never seem to be okay
and everyone goes through so much stuff
and i've been through nothing
i have no right being this way
if people can be okay why can't i
why am i so difficult
tomorrow
i'm gonna go see my therapist
and i'm gonna cry about it
and it's just gonna add up
to everything we already need to work on
i'm so much work
i'm too much work
even for myself
no fucking surprise i'm alone