didn't have a choice
they made food
i'm not even that hungry
don't make me eat it
i'll have to bear the guilt myself
you aren't helping
or maybe you are
i don't know anymore
don't want to eat
it's not worth it
but i'm stuck having to eat for four days
i'm gonna hate myself monday night
just don't eat next week
i can do it
feel so bad
want to cry
i'm so numb
and unenthusiastic
he must be so bored
i'm such a burden
ate twice today
two big meals none the less
just want to go back
when i wasn't scared of food
and i could eat without realizing it
but i want to be sick
until i pass out from the lack of energy
i'm just scared of them
putting me in psychiatric hospital
that would suck
need to be careful of what i say
and what i show
can't trust them to understand
even tho they're trying
want to throw up
ate so much
feel disgusting
my legs are huge
my skin doesn't mark as much anymore
maybe i should be harsher
can barely see them
want my body to be a bloody mess
i'm the worst
haven't done a single thing this week
what am i doing
this is unforgivable
fuck i ate twice
how am i going to go around this weekend
without eating
he won't let me
want to throw up again
i'm so fucked
i'm so fucked
i'm so fucked
why don't they hate me yet
i'm not even funny
why do people want me around them
it's pure pity
don't want you to force yourself
to be with me
you'll just hate me more in the end
i'm never gonna get better
you're hoping too much
thought i was the naive one
you're not optimistic you're naive
"just eat, it's not that hard"
"why are you being so difficult"
"where is this coming from"
"you used to eat every meal"
first of all
stop touching me
stop taking advantage of a hug
to feel my ribs or my thighs
and tell me how small or weird they are
they're not
just don't touch me please
i know i want or even crave physical touch
but i would like to be able to choose
when, where, who
i'm tired of people
not even considering how i feel
just because i always shut my mouth
big eyes, big ears, small mouth right?
well now i can't stand up for myself
think she's right
when she tells me i have a lot of anger
and since nobody notices it
acknowledges it
accepts it
i have no one else but me to direct it to
because i'll take it
anyway feel like shit
so boring
maybe i should leave
not come anymore so i won't bother him
he's so nice
trying his best
to cheer me up
make me go out
eat something good
and i'm just completely numb
dozing off every ten minutes
cause i just want to sleep
forever
want to wake up and go back to sleep
again
and again
and again