i'm really fucking pathetic
hiding to stuff my face
it's funny cause it's never satisfying either
i mean, the feeling of bread
going down my throat is amazing
maybe i should really try c/s
maybe that could work
cause now what
i binged
i'm still "hungry"
still want to eat
but the realization slowly starts to grow
and guilt comes with
those slices of shit bread weren't worth it
it's hard because
when i decide to eat/binge
all of my worries and overthinking
just disappear
poof
even though i know the consequences
i know it's not gonna be that good
i know it's not gonna be worth it
and so i just let go and eat
whatever i can find that is ok
and it's not like i binge on fruits or veggies
oh no no
well sometimes the grapes
but mostly carbohydrates
what a scary word
white bread, and literally any cereal
rice, noodles, crackers, chips
and then i get even worse
and i get out the chocolate
for the taste
fuck
i'm just writing nonsense because
feel like shit
it seems only psychological
like i could've just gone back to sleep
wasn't hungry, was tired
but no i thought
"this is my only chance to binge
before they wake up and judge me"
hate myself
want to throw up
i keep
disappointing myself
over
and over again
this used to be something i was proud off
something that i could manage
could control
now i'm fucking off the rails