i'm so desperate
haha
it's not even funny
i'm so cold
and i feel like shit
but that's no surprise
don't know
feel worse
but always feel like i feel worse
so don't really know what to believe
can't trust myself
my feelings
and especially my intentions
could well be manipulating others
as well as myself
so can't know for sure
what the fuck i'm doing
maybe i should just accept it
the fact that i could be a bad person
already think that i am
but still don't want to fully believe it
cause i would just hate myself even more
because i hate bad people
but maybe i should say fuck good people
are there even good people?
not sure anymore
everyone is in it for themselves
that's for sure
does that make them bad?
does it have to make me bad?
in any case
i'm shit
and i got nothing under control
and everything feels like a betrayal
or an abandonment
and i honestly feel like i'm the only one left
in the end
when it comes to facts
when it comes to who wants me
who stays with me
who is on my side
who feels like i deserve something
who understands
or even truly tries to understand
there's only me
and i'm not even sure of that
and i don't blame them
i'm probably not there for them
why would they be for me
anyway
i'll probably cut tonight
the scars are fading
and i'm afraid to let them go
want to see them
especially after yesterday's binge
that was gross
and i've ruined everything
but that's not unusual, is it?
probably should've killed myself last night
felt like the right time
felt right
now i feel like i have to wait again
my stomach hurts
the lax aren't even working anymore
everyone tried to warn me
told me i wouldn't be able to shit without it
but it turns out i can't shit at all
with or without it
so that's bullshit i guess
i'm cold
want to eat to be warm
but as always
promised myself
and this time
won't fail
that's pretty funny
i'm a joke
i know i'll fail
that's what i do
i just
fail
over
and over again
and again
and honestly
who even cares
nobody cares
it's true
nobody
fucking
cares
and even that's not true
i know it's not true
some people do care
maybe
but not enough
not at all
should they care way more?
am i just craving for this victim attention?
do i wanna be this tired little sad thing?
that everyone pities?
maybe
don't know
i'm fucking tired
already gonna fail
i'm just so fucking sad dude
like
what else am i supposed to do
i'm all alone
feeling like shit
looking like shit
doing shit
i'm fucking everything up