ok then now i want to fucking die
it was dumb for me to get excited anyway
like
i should know by now
everything sucks
and i shouldn't expect joy
i don't understand why
why healthy and happy people bother
i understand the savior complex
but why
as a society
as a social value
is it necessary to care for the unwell
why isn't it normal to let them rot
why do they have to keep going for us
if we bring everyone down with us
why should they let us
why should they want to help
why aren't they angry or dismissive
it's not just empathy
i don't get it
why is it the norm to bother
i have a victim complex
i'm only a victim from myself
i'm actually the villain in disguise
always been
i'm a really horrible person
hiding in plain sight
i've always been hiding
and i'm so good at it
that even i forgot and didn't see it
i've been manipulating everyone
and even myself
to let me live in my brain
to let the bad person survive
i didn't even realize it was there
and now it's so strong
it made me believe i was a victim
but "it" was me all along
i'm the scum of the earth
and i'm even worse for calling myself that
like i matter
like i have an impact on the world
on the things around me
i'm minuscule
i'm ridiculous
but yet i still hurt things around me
so i don't matter and yet i do
just not in the good way