leave me alone
please leave me alone
leave me behind
i don't want to exist
please don't force me to exist
and be perceived
and take actions and decisions
don't want to be
don't want you to expect anything
i can't give you anything
i have nothing to give
i'm the emptiest vessel you'll find
i can't be as alive as you
i can't be like you
i can't be what you want me to be
i just want to disappear
and for everyone to forget i ever existed
i want to forget i exist
want my mind to be erased
this is going nowhere
i'm just tiring myself and others
they keep having hope
stop having hope
you're pulling me back
it'd be way easier if no one cared
i'm sorry that you caring isn't enough
i'm such a mess these days
really fucking ashamed
want to rip out my brain
what is wrong with it
i sometimes feel like im going crazy
like actually crazy
something is wrong with my head
fuck
i can't sleep
and i only sleep
it's easy
but even that is fucked up now
can't have a single good night
without a bad dream
everything hurts
my whole body hurts
and it's getting heavier
37.2kg
and i can't seem to fucking stop it
i'm so fucking weak
i just have to restrict again
i'm begging myself
please
please please please stop
stop eating
you're pathetic
you're so fucking pathetic
i know it doesn't make sense
but why can't i stop myself from eating
why can't i seem determined enough
now it feels like i'm faking it
why isn't it harder for me to eat
why do i enjoy it
it's shameful to enjoy eating
i'm gross
anyway
every single joint in my body aches
i don't want to go to the hospital
but i also don't want to not go
i don't want anything
and i want nothing at the same time
i'm tired
i'm tired of never knowing
of never being able to decide
of regretting every single thing
or overthinking it
i don't want to think anymore
i really don't want to be me anymore
i don't want to be in my head
i want a reset
so to stop existing in short
always come back to that
i still don't know where i would do it
there is so much things to do
i should leave letters or something
i guess
i really don’t know what i would say
it's not like it would change anything
i would've still abandoned them
and i'll be dead
i finally won't feel guilt
won't feel anything anyway
that sounds so peaceful
nothing
no even knowing it's nothing
not being conscious
not being
no more questions
no more expectations
no more deceptions
no more anything
for now i can only dream of it
and sleep
it's the closest i can get
i know i shouldn't think of planning it
i promised her i would tell her
but it reassures me i guess
i still need to find the place
i know how
i don't have the whole equipment yet
but i don't know where
i don't want her to be the one to find me
but i also don't want to do it anywhere
and don't want to traumatize a random kid
don't want to do it outside
don't want to be outside
but also can't put this on anyone i know
i don't know
getting tired of thinking