it's been a while
should've probably written more here
missed it
but also don't know if it's really good
just didn't feel like it i guess
still want to die
attempted last wednesday
and i regret not going through
i had time to think, talk
see everyone's reaction
or lack there of
but honestly
i've realized it didn't really matter
maybe i'm being the worst egoistic prick
but
as much as i've appreciated their confort
as much as some could cry
and make me feel guilty
for not seeing them as enough to live
as much as everyone is trying their best
i honestly still don't want to live
don't want to go back
don't want to see the psychiatrist
don't want to go to a clinic
don't want to gain weight
don't want to do the same useless efforts
just to feel just as shitty when getting out
i honestly think that's how im wired now
must be a bitch since i'm so young
but it feels like it's too late
i don't care if it gets better
i don't give a shit
it could be better
it could be worse
there is a certain uncertainty
and everything must be earned
but by stopping it now
there isn't any uncertainty anymore
it won't matter in the end
it won't matter cause i won't exist
no consequences
at least for me
and maybe for once
i want to do something for me
and let others deal with my shit
i don't know
i'm so exhausted of being here
like i don't even care anymore
about their motivational speech,
their life lessons,
their examples and hopes
i don't care anymore if i seem cliche
if i'm a sad lonely misunderstood teenager
i can't keep pretending like
i'm always the victim
i'm rotting from the inside
which is ironic for me
who is obsessed with being empty
feeling pure and everything
it's so cliche for fuck sakes
i'm like some mauvaises herbes
it spreads
it ruins everything
and i'm never satisfied
of how much water i get
i don't know
the more i write here
the more i feel like it's the last time
i don't care if i hurt people
i'm sorry
really i'm so so sorry
i feel disgusting for even writing this
i'm not so sweet anymore
maybe people will hate me if i kill myself
i mean they'd be in their right
who knows
i guess that's the point
i won't know
it seems so nice to imagine
just stop thinking
stop being in my head
i prefer the void to thoughts
void is easy
i crave easy
oh
and don't even get me started on my body
i know it's not the priority i guess
but i need to be honest with myself
i can't live with this appearance
i don't want to live looking like this
it seems so superficial
but i disgust myself
my body and mind
there isn't one to make up for the other
others don't understand
there is still so much shame
i eat
way too much
even when i know i'll hate my body,
my weight
i sabotage myself
so much
and i feel so dumb
everytime
and yet i still do it again
i wish i never went to inpatient
i wish i kept going
and died from a heart attack or something
sometimes i feel like
i can't even kill myself at this weight
it would be shameful
i hate myself
so much
i hate being in my head
i just want it to quiet down
and even if i got somewhat better
what would happen
what would i do
how long would it last
i know it'll always be here
maybe some people are strong enough
to keep pushing, to live with it
to fight the thoughts every time they come
but i feel weak
and i don't want to fight
i know life isn't easy
but i wish it was
and maybe i'm one of these cowards
that would rather not live
than putting in the work
i don't know
fuck insomnias
i'm so fucking tired
now i know i'm gonna go eat something
and then i'm gonna hate myself for doing it
yet i'm still going to do it
i'm a pathetic human
i thought i would care more
about people caring or not
some people cared more than i imagined
and some seem to not give a shit
but it doesn't change anything
i feel like i've gone too far
if even people around me
can't bring me back
what will
what more do i need, do i want
what is wrong with me
i should've done it
fuck
i should've done it
it would be done
i wouldn't be asking so many questions
things wouldn't be rushing in my head
fuck
i feel like i have nothing else to say
i'm just repeating myself
there is no grand discovery to make
no revelation that could change everything
i'm gonna go distract myself
this is getting too tiring
i'm not gonna sleep
but still
goodnight
and maybe i'll come again