what the last months taught me is that
when i want to die
i should tell nobody
not fall for their tricks
of sympathy
and care
and "you can talk to me"
i know they mean well
and i know it's because they believe
that it could get better
and they have hope
and they try to give it to me
and when it gets bad again
if they know
just like last time
they'll put me in the hospital
again
hoping that this time
it will be different
and the cycle just starts again
and it will never be over
i'll never rest
never feel ok
i want to talk about it
because it's always on my mind
and i'm tired of talking to myself
but i know i shouldn't
i should keep my mouth closed
it's better not to
i want to tell him
but it's not right
and anyway
i never know what to say afterwards
people want to talk about it
understand
make a big thing out of it
and i just want to be left alone
forget it
i have nothing to say
no way to explain it
i feel crazy
like im just completely out of it
feel so distant
like i can't think the same way
and i just want one person to understand
but fully understand
truly understand
how it's like
in my head
but if i'm being honest with myself
what would it do?
would it really change anything
it wouldn't change how i feel
i would still want to fucking die
so why does it matter so much to me
why am i so damn sensitive
i'm so weak and fragile
a single thing does not go my way
the way i planned or envisioned
and i crumble
i'm so scared of abandonment
that the moment i don't get attention
i feel invisible
and left out
and forgotten
and not cared for
fuck
it always has to be about me huh?
i'm so damn egocentric
hate it
i just
i sometime just get this hope
like someone new in my life
could fix everything
could fix me
and i put so much expectations on them
it's not fair
it's horrible
that's what hurt me my whole life
and i'm just doing it again
i tell myself that i want to be saved
but it's nobody's business
to save me
and even if
someone actually wanted to
i don't think i actually want it
to be saved
i think i'm lying
cause i wont do shit
to be better