wow
no one fucking cares
i know it's not true
i know it's toxic to think that
people don't owe me anything
they don't need to care
i shouldn't expect it of them
plus it's not like i ask
like really ask
directly
word for word
"i need help"
or "i need comfort"
but i do tell them how bad i feel
but maybe it's not enough
i don't know
in the end i can't help but think
that honestly no one really cares
and the ones that say they do
either lie to me and themselves
or are fucking hypocrites
or don't know how to care maybe
they don't understand either
fuck off
sorry i shouldn't be mad
it's not fair
i can't be mad at people for not caring
when i don't have the strength to care either
like of course they wouldn't care
do i care about them?
yeah but probably not enough
do i go out of my way to contact them
to make sure they're ok everyday
no so why would they
i'm fucking tired
i don't want to see anyone
i don't want anyone to see me
but at the same time
it's so pathetic to say but
i'd fucking like a hug
a real one
i'm fucking sad
as in fucking pathetic
i don't like him
but it's probably just because i'm jealous
he's really nice
i'm just bitter
he's much more interesting
and nice to talk to
and likable
and people want to talk to him
but like
of course
i'm fucking sitting there
with a resting bitch face
and i'm not sociable
and have nothing to say
and i'm always irritated
like why am i even complaining
i'm the problem
that's the thing
and i keep being the problem
i don't change
i don't make efforts to be better
i just sulk
and blame everyone else
fuck
and i see everyone having fun
while i'm not there
i don't even want to come back
how am i going to get included
i just keep on missing events
whether i'm in a psych ward or here
they don't need me at all
they probably don't even miss me
and every time they try to initiate contact
i always end up fucking it up
fuck
doesn't even help
to talk to you
i so desperately want it to help
i don't know
i really want to talk to you
and for you to understand
but i never feel like you do
even when you say you do
if you did you wouldn't ask me
to be so fucking positive all the time
and "take a walk"
or "learn new things"
or "go for a swim"
why don't you get it
i don't even want to get out of bed
i don't want to even be awake
and i want to be sad
and i want to hate
and i want to be petty
and for people to understand why
and still love me
i don't want to be perfect anymore
i mean i do
i don't know
it's more like
if i can't be perfect
and really, i can't, not anymore
than i don't even want to try
and i want that to be ok
i don't want to be the better version of myself
i don't want to put in effort
to change for the better
i don't want to make good choices
i want to be miserable
and to be saved
and for everything to be easy
i need to stay away from this website
i know it
i know it's really bad for me
i already failed at keeping myself away
by making a fucking account
"just to see"
i'm so fucking dumb
or i'm naive
or i'm just a fucking liar
i still looked
and read
and bookmarked everything useful
how am i supposed to get better
if i still do research about killing myself
and read all of those sickening thread
and devastating posts
maybe i'm desensitized
i don't know
but i still looked
and then i ask myself why i can't get better
again
i'm the problem
it's so cliche
"you are your own worst enemy"
haha