why did i eat
why did i eat
why did i eat
i'm so dumb
i said i wouldn't eat
why did i eat
i mean they served me
even when i said i didn't want to eat
but then i still ate it
fuck
i'm never going to lose the weight again
i fucked up
i know it's a cycle
but i don't want to go back to eating
i was doing so well
please don't start eating again
please please please
is it the meds?
fuck
i look so dumb
crying for a meal again
it's weird
every time i want to call you
and talk to you
cause i think it would make me feel better
because sometimes
i feel like you're the only one who cares
and yet
the second i hear your "positive" voice
and you ask me about all those things
that in the moment
really doesn't matter
i feel enraged
it makes me so angry
makes me want to end the call
say that i "shouldn't have called"
and leave you with that
i hate it
i hate it when you talk
i hate it when you keep silent
fucking hate myself
don't know what i want
complain when people do as i say
as i think i wish
i know people ignore the question
which is probably
the sane and smart thing to do
but i can't
i can't just choose to ignore the fact
that i don't know what's the point
and it's here all the time
like
every single thing i do
i tell myself
what's the point
what's the point
and i know i'm not the only one
of course i know that
"oh everyone thinks like this at some point"
but i don't think you realize
how important it is to me
how without that answer
nothing makes sense
all the pain
it doesn't make sense
all the efforts
and hatred
and bitterness
and anger
and despair
it's all for nothing
there's no point to it
maybe it's my fault
maybe i can't find the point
as always
people are better than me
and are actually strong enough to find it
to take the time
and do the things necessary to find it
i want it given on a silver plate
i'm not going to look for it
not when it's that easy to just decompose
and finally disappear
and never have to wait
or expect
or want
or go looking for a point
stop thinking about him
fucking move on already
he'll never be like you wish him to be
you can't expect him to metamorphose for you
plus he wouldn't even owe me that
he is his own person
so
i need to actually do the emotional work
and fucking let go at some point
i cannot keep chasing after him
it sounds like i'm talking
about a fucking boyfriend
it's pathetic
it's my fault
it's my fault
it's my fault
it's my fault if im alone
i put myself there
sometimes i feel like
my head is going way faster
than everyone else
not in a "oh i'm smarter"
or "oh my mind is superior"
more in way that like it never stops
and i know you think you know how it is
but im almost sure you don't
you don't get how fast
everything comes and goes
how everything is a problem
that i need to think about
right here right now
and oh there's that too
and oh this might also be relevant
i can't even finish my train of thought
before getting into another one
it's messy
and heavy
and not practical at all
it just sucks
even when i write here
half of what i would want to say
just disappears while i'm writing
and deviate to something else
i feel unfinished
i feel like i can never complete a thought
and maybe that’s also why i think
that people don't understand me
and especially that i can't explain myself
cause if i tried
there would be so many things to say
and i wouldn't know where to start
and in what order
and what's relevant or not
and i'm so scared people might misinterpret
that i want to tell them everything
and i mean
everything
and i can't
and it's so frustrating
seeing people think they understand
the whole situation
because they understand one part
and they think that's enough
and that they can fill the gap themselves
and i hate it
i hate it
it's a control problem
i want to be able to control
every single thing they know about me
make sure it's accurate
that's probably what i'm doing right now
writing this
i don't know how to make it short
i always go on and on
like shut up for once
i should let people live
and have their opinion