honestly
i'm probably gonna have to live like this
until i die
every fucking day
i'll have to restrict
and keep a lower weight
just for me to be ok with myself
i'm not extremely low
i can maintain it
but can i function?
and if i can
am i gonna be like this forever?
it's tiring thinking about it
but it's even worse thinking about how i looked
i don't know what's wrong with me
i hate it
i'm being so fatphobic
even if it's only towards myself
it still means something
fuck
i swear if i could like myself i would
but whenever i see a picture
one year ago
three years ago
when i see my cheeks
my neck and shoulders
my arms
my thighs
it's fat
everything is fat
it looks swollen
i feel disgusting
it makes me look childish
i hate it
i hate myself
so i'll stay like this
as long as i live
i have to
even if it's not sustainable
goodnight