sometimes i just want to fucking kill myself
just for a brief moment
even when things are better
are things better?
i think so
i'm not sure
will they stay better?
i'm scared
i found myself thinking
about having a gun to my forehead
every time i relax my face
and my eyes and my temples
it's right there
the barrel is barely brushing
the middle of my forehead
it's surprisingly not cold
and it feels liberating for a second
i relax
and nothing matters
i'm not in control
whatever happens
whether i get shot or not
in this moment
i can't do anything about it
so why worry
i just wait
i've done everything i could've done
now it's out of my reach
i don't need to worry
to do something
make a decision
perform
negotiate
feel
it's just how it is
and i can enjoy this brief moment
where i let go
i exist and yet
i'm not there
not physically
not mentally
i'm nowhere
is this the nihilism to absurdism pipeline?
i need to see things with more nuance
i told myself today
i still think like a child
all or nothing
even if i know
i know
nothing is that easy
all good or all bad
right or wrong
knowledge or ignorance
love or hate
rejection or acceptance
true or false
i wish it was that easy
i wish there was a correct way
to do everything
to be perfect
i wish someone was perfect
so i could be like them
so i would know what to be
so i could just copy them
so there would be a step by step manual
and i'd just have to follow it
i wouldn't have to think for myself
try things
fail
not succeed right away
make mistakes
i know i can't be perfect
and yet i crave it
i want to be perfect so badly
so i never have to feel bad about myself
or guilty or disappointed
i wish someone had all the answers
to the questions i'm asking myself
i wish i didn't have to figure it out
and die with many questions left
i wish i had a start and an end
a timeline
a box
where everything is neatly organized
nothing slipping out
no outside factor
but i know all of this is impossible
many sought it out before me
and they all realized it's pointless
so why as a specie we keep longing for it?
why can't i understand
why
after all of this awareness
why do i still hope
still believe
still wait for everything to fall into place
and for things to end
with no loose ends
with everything being resolved
what is this called
i'm most definitely not the first overthinker
some philosopher must have given it a name
years ago
do other people think of this aswell?
am i late to the party?
or way too early compared to my peers?
why do i feel burdened with these thoughts
like i'm the only one having them
i mean sure
they aren't the easiest thing to talk about
it's a bit of introspection
and i barely have enough focus
to get to the end of my own reflections
sharing them can be a bit messy
i get lost in my own thoughts
and it's hard to put words on them
but
surely there are people i can share them with
maybe
would that help?
would i get some answers?
new insights?