it
feels
like
everybody
hates
me
feel so alone
know i'm a burden
should've expected it
but it still hurts
feel so transparent
so distant from everyone
i know i'm the one who created it
but it feels awful
know i'm a bad friend
i'm sorry
i'm trying my best
hate all of you
but please don't leave me
all alone
i'm sorry
you don't care
no one does
no one wants to
want to binge
binging is the only confort at the moment
it's the only thing i have
when everyone leaves
i'm sorry i'm boring
just don't know how to be liked
i'm tired
that shouldn't even be my biggest problem
need to decide what the fuck i'm gonna do
next year
fuck
can't even imagine a next week
a tomorrow
really want to cut again
but i regretted it last time
it's the only attention i got though
need to stay focus
it's not worth it
it'll feel nice for a minute
i'll like the scars
but it'll just be another problem
hate other people
tired of having to live with others
kinda
kinda want to know
what they would do
if i died
know i shouldn't fantasize of it
but can't help myself to ask
it doesn't really matter anyway
i'll be dead
that's what matters
won't feel anything anymore
won't know anything anymore
seems very nice
i'll just miss my cats
i guess
don't know how i could die
swallowing pills seems less scary
but if i wake up the next day
like nothing happened
or worse if i survive
but end up hospitalized
with everyone watching me
that would be pretty bad
already looked it up
can't overdose from my meds
i'd need to find something stronger
everything else seems painful
and i don't want to miss
knives are scary and too dramatic
i'd just end up hurting myself badly
but not dying
jumping from somewhere is also scary
and i don't want to be a nuisance
and be a disgusting corpse
in the middle of the road
traumatizing children
could jump from a bridge but again
could survive
hanging seems fictional
like how am i supposed to do that
it's too much efforts
see it in movies
but wouldn't even know
where to put the rope
poisoning?
like rat poison? is that a thing?
but it's just like an overdose
if i fuck it up it'll be worse
could cut my arms i guess
never thought of it
if i lose enough blood it should do the trick
but it'll be long
don't really want to be in agony forever
plus it'll just make a mess
don't know if i want my body to be found
or would rather disappear
didn't really think of it
don't want people to find me like this
but also don't want people to
maybe
hope that i'm alive somewhere
maybe they won't hope at all
i don't know
need to stop
it's probably disgusting to say
but
i hope they'd be sad
if i died
sorry