wanna be alone so bad
please let me leave
without questions
just want to go
want to go
i'm so fucking stressed
want to be alone
need to be alone
to let go
want to stab myself
slash my abdomen open
want to take the organs out
so fucking sick of bloating
it makes me feel so disgusting
want to take the intestines out
want them out of my body
want nothing in there
want to stab my arms to the table
with multiple knives
three in each forearm
feel like ripping my eyes out
lot of intrusive thoughts today
i'm tired of this family
love them
but i'm so tired
just want to be invisible
don't want to know what they think
don't want their opinion
they can keep their comments
all the little judgments
don't want to hear about how i look
don't want you to acknowledge what i eat
or offer me more
or even look at me
stop guilt tripping me to hang out with you
want to be left alone
don't care
you know
i can feel how uncomfortable i make you
can feel it
the tension
when i'm not playing this facade game
when i don't participate
or engage in the conversation
when i avoid you
or stay on my phone
or give the shortest answer possible
know it makes things awkward for you
cause i've always adapted
always played the role you gave me
was more some kind of mirror
with no particular personality
just enough to keep you distracted
someone to answer what you wanted
go your way
validate everything you do or say
just by not going against anything
not even giving any personal point of view
or liking
or disapproval
feel like shit
want to see my therapist
know it's her job
and she really deserves the vacation
but i hate it
hate being reminded that
she is literally paid to talk to me
to listen, to agree, to reassure
to be my friend
have to fucking pay someone
to have positive interactions
reassuring ones, to feel listened to
she might not even like me
or worse
she probably doesn't give a shit
i'm no one
and it's just an illusion
i pay to create this illusion that i'm special
and that i deserve to be heard
and cared for
she has dozens of patients
i don't matter
she probably doesn't remember half of me
hate it
it feels so one sided
again
end up in a "relationship" where i idolize
where i put them on a pedestal
and i feel so dependent
and like they are everything
when on the other side
i have not a single significant impact
they don't care
they have so much better
miss her
can't see her for three weeks
it feels terrifying
i need her
so much to tell her
that i can't tell anybody else
feel really alone these days
can't trust anyone
that's how i feel
like anytime i open up
it just makes things worse
and that people don't understand
it's such an emo thing to stay
ew
very cliche
need to take my fucking meds
don't know when was the last time i did
i'm an idiot
fuck
don't want to sleep
want to eat
as always
it's the only thing i want to do
the only thing that motivates me
i'm obsessed
disgusting
anyway
goodnight i guess