i'm so dumb
like
what am i even doing
can't even be here for him
what am i supposed to say
why am i so distant from everything
it doesn't matter to me
but it matters to him
why am i suddenly
incapable of showing empathy
i'm such a coward
i'm always afraid of making a mistake
but i never do anything either
i'm gonna lose everybody
why do people try to prevent suicide
wouldn't it be more productive
if only determined people lived
why do they have the right
to keep someone alive
even if they don't want to
i understand the noble intention
but
isn't it a lost cause
if i'm such a bother
why do you keep me
i'm not gonna get better
it's useless
i'm tired of people making efforts
for me
feel guilty
feel like i owe them something
hate it
didn't even want to be like this
don't feel like doing anything
it's sad
i'm finally where i want to be
and i still feel like shit
don't understand
how can i be happy
wanna throw up
wanna cry really badly
i'm the worst
can't do anything
nothing creative
there is nothing in my brain
don't want to
i don't know
still writing like an idiot
like it'll fix anything
of course it's not gonna help
i'm still just complaining
but to myself
so i'm only bothering me
it feels safer
and easier
my stomach hurts
i'm feeling anxious
always tried to be the perfect daughter
look at me now
being an asshole
what am i supposed to say
how do they expect me to answer them
if i fake it
at least they'll leave me alone
for a bit
but they won't understand then
but if i don't
they can tell me reassuring things
as much as they want to believe it
they will still hate me for how i feel
i'm sorry
it's not what i wanted
and it's not that i don't value you
but maybe it is
i don't know
i'm sorry
don't want to hurt your feelings
especially when you're so nice
but maybe you don't matter?
don't really believe that but
if you did would you make me happier?
is it because i am bored of everything
and everyone
that's pretty narcissistic
but in the same way
i'm also really bored of myself
so
i'm not trying to say you're not interesting
you are
probably
but i'm just too dumb
and fucked
to see it
or care
i don't know
maybe i'm saying bullshit
plus i shouldn't rely on others
should be able to live by myself
with or without them
want to be enough